Coming up on the 26th I still feel disappointed I didn't succeed. The medications have allowed me to feel normal for much of the time - the first time in almost a decade or longer I can say that. There have been highs caused by circumstances rather than chemicals and lessons to learn that have made my life immeasurably richer. The lows, however, have been corrosive, eating away at my new-found confidence and etching patterns of despair into the boundaries I realised I needed to maintain. I won't do it now. I just wish I could.